Rule #18: Life is just an experience

We overthink what a good life really means

One lesson from the Stoics is that for most of us there will not be some great legacy after we’re gone. Even the most famous people today won’t be remembered in 50 or 100 years. The Romans ruled the world for centuries, but of the 82 emperors they had, how many can you name? Maybe 5? Somehow our society teaches us that what we do and say will be of some grand significance, but I’m convinced this is just what our egos like to hear. We really want to believe that our lives will add up to some great story or contribution as that helps us to feel that our lives make sense.

Whenever I read an obituary I wonder: is this the “grand” story this person had in mind all along? I just don’t believe most people are that organized about what they’re doing or why. I also know that most of us don’t have that much control over how our lives turn out. And were they really a dedicated father, husband and coworker? No one says anything bad in obituaries. It makes it seem like only the best people die. It perpetuates an illusion that we’re all movie characters with a staring role. We all want to believe that we are the hero, and get a clear narrative arc from the universe that ensures everything happens for a reason and that our story ends in a victory.

The problem with holding the idea of a grand story too tightly is that, much like the idea of heaven or the afterlife. it’s a postponement of living. Instead of focusing on the present and learning to appreciate whatever is happening now, it puts the focus on some magical reward in the future where all of the challenges of living somehow disappear.

With this rule, Life is just an experience, I’m suggesting an alternative. The goal isn’t to achieve great things (although that can be nice). Nor is it to be remembered (although helping future generations is a lovely goal). Instead it’s to experience all of the different kinds of experiences that life allows. In a previous rule, I described this as living to make stories. But the writer Xien explains it this way :

“I thought there was this huge goal I had to reach to finally feel like I was doing it right. But the more I live, the more I realize - it’s not about perfect answers or checking off boxes. It’s about experiencing. Feeling things fully. Letting life hit you with the good and the bad and saying, “I was here. I felt it all….. I’ve learned that feeling deeply, even if it hurts, means I’m alive. And that’s a gift, even when it’s hard to see it that way…”

I admit it’s strange to suggest that we should be grateful when terrible things happen to us. But if we look at life like an amusement park, a place we choose to visit and where we want to try every ride, even the scary ones, the diversity of experiences is the goal. Feeling sadness, grief or disappointment are major sections of the amusement park of life. We can’t really understand, or fully appreciate, life without spending at least some time there now and again.

There is the ancient Persian saying “this too shall pass” (No, it’s not from the Christian bible) and it might be the best single offering of advice about living we have. If we know that every experience comes to an end, we don’t have to fear them quite so much. What we often refer to as bad experiences, can often be the place we make our biggest discoveries. If we can think of life as just a series of experiences, we can live better lives by making the most of every experience we get, even the ones we were trying to avoid.