Learning from George Carlin's rules

Laughter goes a long way in making rules for life

I’ve been a fan of George Carlin for as long as I can remember. He was the first comedian I loved enough to buy their albums. Even as a kid there was something special about how tightly he tied observations about language and life together. He made things I never noticed feel surprising, true and funny all at the same time.

When driving between NYC and Pittsburgh to get to and from college, we’d often listen to his albums What am I doing in NJ? and Playing With Your Head. They were part of the road trip experience that helped make long hours on the painfully boring Pennsylvania Turnpike go by faster.

Rules can be funny and irreverent

Many of the classic “how to live” books are just too earnest. They take life far too seriously and this works against their credibility. Life is too absurd to be taken literally all the time. Part of why I’m enjoying the book Feline Philosophy is it questions philosophy itself and the assumption we can figure everything out with our minds. Maybe it’s not all going to make sense? Maybe we don’t get to know everything and we’re better off not knowing?

Good rules for life should exemplify the advice they offer in how they are written. For example, if there is a rule encouraging play or creativity, the rules themselves should be playful and creative. Otherwise, how can we trust the person who made the rules to have practiced what they preached? It’s too easy to fall into the platitude trap, of just having rules that sound good to say even if we don’t follow them.

Carlin’s Rules for Life

I recently discovered Carlin’s Rules for Life, a sarcastic list he made as part of his book Braindroppings. The list takes awhile to warm up, but #6, #8 and #13 always make me laugh.

Here’s his humorous list of (anti-)rules (you can listen to Carlin read them here):

1. Relax and take it easy. Don’t get caught up in hollow conceits like “doing something with your life.”

2. Whatever you do, do it just well enough to remain in the middle third of achievement. Remember the squeaky wheel is the first one to be replaced.

3. Size people up quickly and build up rigid attitudes based on first impressions

4. Don’t fall for the golden rule – it’s a transparently narcissistic approach!

5. Spend as much time as you can pleasing impressing others even if it makes you unhappy. Play special attention to shallow manipulators who can do you the most harm.

6. Surround yourself with inferiors and losers: you will look good by comparison and they will look up to you and that will make you feel better.

7. Don’t buy into the sentimental notion that everyone has shortcomings. If you are not perfect something is wrong.

8. If you do detect a few faults with yourself: make a list, dwell on them. Carry the list around and try to think of things to add. Blame yourself for everything.

9. Beware of gut instincts: they are completely unreliable. Instead, develop preconceived notions that don’t waver unless someone tells you to. Then change your mind and adopt their point of view.

10. Never give up on an idea even if it is bad and doesn’t work. Cling to it even when it is hopeless. It takes a special person to stay with something that is stupid and harmful.

11. Today doesn’t count. Trying to make something out of today only robs you of precious time you could spend daydreaming. .

12. Try to dwell on the past. Think of all the mistakes you have made and what you should have done instead. Be really hard on yourself.

13. If you make a fresh mistake, especially a costly one, try to repeat it a few times so you become familiar with it and can do it easily in the future. Put it with your list of faults (#8).

14. Beware of looking ahead. It will only get you in trouble. Instead try to drift along in a meandering fashion and don’t get sidetracked with some foolish “plan.”

15. Enjoy yourself all the time and do whatever you want. Don’t be seduced by the mindless chatter going around about “responsibility: that’s exactly the sort of thing that can ruin your life.

If you are a fan of Carlin, or curious about him, I highly recommend the HBO documentary Carlin’s American Dream. It captures his ambition, talents, struggles and heroism, and has many of his famous stand up performances too.